This one is fun. Most people think that Christianity is all about loving everyone and is nothing but love, love, love. The problem is that we have a completely screwed up view of what it means to love someone. We also, as humans, tend to "average" things together. Basically, I think there are two very big problems with this lie so I am going to go two directions with this one.
Problem Number 1--Christianity is not about loving everyone. Christianity is about earnestly seeking to be more like Christ. We get so caught up in our version of loving everyone that we forget about holiness and seeking God's will. We tend to see "loving everyone" as "accepting everyone" where they are and not seeking or desiring holiness. We also think we can love people without taking into consideration their souls and their salvation. Sometimes love is painful. Sometimes I address an issue with you because I love you. Sometimes (think Jesus with the moneychangers in the temple) love is angry. The point is, love is an outcropping from holiness. If we seek holiness and seek to be more like Christ, all the other stuff we try to manufacture and re-create within Christianity will follow.
Problem Number 2--Humans average things together. If I say, "love everyone", then it is easy for you to see "everyone" as a singular person. In other words--that body of people over there is everyone. "Sure I love them all." It is very impersonal. There may, in fact, be someone in that group that you don't really love but all the others "cancel" him out. A tougher challenge is to love each one. Think about that. You can't average that out. I love each one. I love the guy that smells bad, the girl that is super mean, the gossip, the cheat, the thief. Each one of them is deserving of my love--especially once we figure out what holy love looks like.
It is entirely too easy to get caught up in "yeah, sure, I love everyone." God calls us to holiness and to following Jesus example. We are to love each one and to do so in a holy way. That's what Christianity is all about. Buying into this lie is LAZY. Don't be lazy!
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Thursday, April 10, 2014
But You're Still a Sinner...
Untruth Number 2:
Hate the sin, love the sinner.
This one is a bit tougher to make my case because at its very core, this is completely scriptural. The problem is that we, as the church, screw it up. We want God to love us, sinners, despite our many failings and abominations. We want God to say, "I cannot love what you are doing, it is detestable in my eyes BUT I still love you, fully and completely." If God says that to us, we should be able to say the same thing to others. But we can't.
By living out this mantra, we put conditions on our love for others. We are not capable of fully loving someone as long as we label them "sinner." Now, before you get your feathers ruffled and say, "I am a sinner too" and you are a sinner and we are all God's children, etc. etc., consider this, if my pet sin was gossip and my best friend's pet sin were pornography, and you knew about both, would you treat us the same? Most people would give me a pass and would treat my friend as "hate the sin, love the sinner." They would keep reminding him over and over that he is a sinner. Make sure he wears that label like a scarlet "A" until he changes (and usually expect him to change on his own).
My point is this, if we live by that code, we put a barrier between us and the other person. We remind them over and over that they are a sinner. We treat them differently. We attach a label to them. It is very difficult for our brains to fully love someone that we have labeled. How about instead of "hate the sin, love the sinner" we just simply go with "love." We are ALL sinners. ALL of our sins are detestable, whether our sin is gossip, pornography, rage, alcoholism, homosexuality, fornication, lying, stealing, murdering or worshipping an idol. All are the same. I know, for a fact, that anyone I talk to is a sinner. So drop that part of the phrase and just say "love." For clarity sake, I'm also not saying we should embrace sin and forget the part about hating sin. We absolutely should hate sin. BUT we should start with hating our OWN sin. If we love others and hate our own sin, then we barely start to earn the right to help others with their sins.
Its ok to rebuke sin. Its ok to help others recognize their sin. Its ok to hate the sin. BUT you have to start with love. Before you ever start calling them out. Before you ever want to "help someone recognize," you have to start with love--and it is love without labels. Love without reminding them of their failings. I will end with some scripture to feed this thought. Jesus loved first, corrected second (most of the time). Check out this scripture and see what I mean:
John 8: 2-11
Hate the sin, love the sinner.
This one is a bit tougher to make my case because at its very core, this is completely scriptural. The problem is that we, as the church, screw it up. We want God to love us, sinners, despite our many failings and abominations. We want God to say, "I cannot love what you are doing, it is detestable in my eyes BUT I still love you, fully and completely." If God says that to us, we should be able to say the same thing to others. But we can't.
By living out this mantra, we put conditions on our love for others. We are not capable of fully loving someone as long as we label them "sinner." Now, before you get your feathers ruffled and say, "I am a sinner too" and you are a sinner and we are all God's children, etc. etc., consider this, if my pet sin was gossip and my best friend's pet sin were pornography, and you knew about both, would you treat us the same? Most people would give me a pass and would treat my friend as "hate the sin, love the sinner." They would keep reminding him over and over that he is a sinner. Make sure he wears that label like a scarlet "A" until he changes (and usually expect him to change on his own).
My point is this, if we live by that code, we put a barrier between us and the other person. We remind them over and over that they are a sinner. We treat them differently. We attach a label to them. It is very difficult for our brains to fully love someone that we have labeled. How about instead of "hate the sin, love the sinner" we just simply go with "love." We are ALL sinners. ALL of our sins are detestable, whether our sin is gossip, pornography, rage, alcoholism, homosexuality, fornication, lying, stealing, murdering or worshipping an idol. All are the same. I know, for a fact, that anyone I talk to is a sinner. So drop that part of the phrase and just say "love." For clarity sake, I'm also not saying we should embrace sin and forget the part about hating sin. We absolutely should hate sin. BUT we should start with hating our OWN sin. If we love others and hate our own sin, then we barely start to earn the right to help others with their sins.
Its ok to rebuke sin. Its ok to help others recognize their sin. Its ok to hate the sin. BUT you have to start with love. Before you ever start calling them out. Before you ever want to "help someone recognize," you have to start with love--and it is love without labels. Love without reminding them of their failings. I will end with some scripture to feed this thought. Jesus loved first, corrected second (most of the time). Check out this scripture and see what I mean:
John 8: 2-11
2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
He loved her first. He saved her life. He forgave her completely. Only after all that did he rebuke her. And he even did that very gently. We are not called to remind people constantly of the sin in their lives--that's Jesus' job. He is the mirror we all look into and see how filthy and corrupt we are. We are called to love others and help others and show the love of Christ. We are called simply to love without labels.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Maintenance
Lots of things in life require maintenance to stay healthy. Cars need their oil changed, house air conditioners need their filters changed, pools need chemicals and cleaning, etc. Sometimes maintenance can be simple, reoccurring fixes. Sometimes maintenance is a little bit bigger and a little more invasive. The point of proper maintenance is to avoid major breakdowns and expensive repairs or replacement.
Humans need maintenance too. In fact, humans need more maintenance than a lot of the other machines I mentioned (cars, houses, etc.). Maintenance activities for humans range from clipping toenails to annual physicals and dentist visits. You could also consider eating healthy food and exercise maintenance because it is purposeful and intended to make the machine work better.
I perform maintenance on myself in my job. I take classes to brush up on certain skills. Every year TAR releases new, updated documents and I spend time learning the differences. These are the processes necessary to maintain the professional level of service I provide my clients.
Sometimes our relationships need maintenance. This area seems to be the most difficult for people to recognize. If you have an argument with your friend and can't seem to work it out on your own, the "machine" that is your relationship will break down. So what do you do? Seek help or do something purposeful to maintain that relationship. Maybe your version of maintenance for that friendship is for the two parties to go to a social event together. Maybe it is to do some physical activity together (hiking, swimming, etc.). Maybe you build something together. I don't know but you have to recognize what makes that relationship special and worthwhile and do that activity.
Marriages are no different, just closer relationships. Its ok to seek help in maintaining your marriage. Sometimes you just can't keep it together without some purposeful, and sometimes assisted, maintenance. Its ok to go to marriage counseling. Its ok to hire a sitter and purposely have a date night. Its ok to set aside time to discuss a long brewing unpleasantness. So many people are reluctant to seek assistance and instead let the marriage breakdown. If it was worth doing to begin with, its worth working to keep it together.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Remember When...
Rob Hartman taught class last night at church and his lesson started with the question, "Reflect back on a time or two when everything just fell into place and felt right, like it just couldn't get any better than this." (ok, that is paraphrased a bit but you get the idea). His overall point was that, regardless of how great that moment was, Heaven will be better--much better. Those moments aren't even appetizers for Heaven because Heaven is that much better. Excellent point and a good way to frame it.
It was fun though to reflect back on some great moments and reminisce a bit. I like doing that from time to time, not because I live in the past but because the past creates the present. You are where you are right now because of events from the past. Some were your fault, some were not. Some were "circumstance", some were very purposeful manipulations of your environment. Some events were gifts from others, some were due to the failures of others. Regardless, all those events shaped you into you, with all your baggage, all your strength, all your wisdom, all your insight, injuries and prejudices.
Here are a few defining moments from my life:
1) My parents moved us from South Texas to Middle TN. 100% not my choice (I was 4) but it absolutely was a defining moment in my life
2) I had the choice to go back to Smyrna Middle with all my friends or to go to Stewartsboro for 8th grade the year it opened. I chose Stewartsboro. I didn't get to take algebra 1 in 8th grade and that affected me in high school but I did develop a relationship with Daniel Chunn. He is still my best friend and his friendship led to many other friendships that have totally shaped my life--including, ultimately who I married.
3) Hanging out with my best group of friends at Camp Meribah in the lobby when we were supposed to be in bed and then raiding the kitchen. That is still one of my all time favorite memories. That and camping with Tater's mom (inside joke).
4) The anti-prom party my junior of high school
5) Going to MTSU--I could have gone to lots of other schools but I stayed around here and went to Middle. I can't imagine how different my life would be right now if I had chosen otherwise.
6) Marrying my wife--Can't imagine life without her.
7) Parties at the Trailer--including Bocce OVER the trailer
8) Kids--I have two amazing kids. I also have some amazing nieces (no nephews yet though!!) and young cousins. They all help shape my life because they add value and perspective that no other adult can.
9) Spiritual decisions. I have made several. I joined a different church from my parents when they did not want me to. Then I kept going to it and was very active in the youth group. Then I turned my back on it in college. Then I was redeemed after nearly losing my life. We have considered leaving a few times (and did once), but we've always come back and now are very faithful members. That church has been good to me in so many ways. I hurt when it hurts. I rejoice when it rejoices. I now work with the college kids at church and they are simply a blessing to my life and my family.
10) Moving to GA and then back to TN--it was an awesome adventure to try a different state and it really made home that much more special.
11) Real Estate--I was a teacher and I got fired because I wanted more time with family (ultimately). I could have sulked and not done anything with that opportunity but instead I re-evaluated everything and decided to go a different way. I am not cut out to be a teacher. I want to be a teacher but I am not built for it. I have supreme respect for those that are because I am not and it is truly a noble profession. I am cut out to do what I do now. I still get to teach but I don't have the same kind of restrictions or the same kind of pushback teachers do. I can fire my clients if they are disrespectful (they never are though). If I had been the type to feel sorry for myself, I never would have been bold enough to try something new.
Remember that life is a process not an event. You have countless moments that make you who you are. If one of those events was unpleasant or painful, don't dwell on it, learn from it. Understand how it shapes you, tempers you, puts your guard up. I do have some regrets and that is ok. The idea of "living with no regrets" is stupid. If you have no regrets, you probably didn't learn anything or you are not being honest with yourself. It is not noble or macho to "have no regrets." It is also not mature or introspective. You make mistakes and you should regret making them. If not, you will likely repeat them. All that said, you should not live in regret. Learn, adjust and move on.
What are some of your defining moments? Maybe even just some nostalgic moments that you love to visit in memories?
It was fun though to reflect back on some great moments and reminisce a bit. I like doing that from time to time, not because I live in the past but because the past creates the present. You are where you are right now because of events from the past. Some were your fault, some were not. Some were "circumstance", some were very purposeful manipulations of your environment. Some events were gifts from others, some were due to the failures of others. Regardless, all those events shaped you into you, with all your baggage, all your strength, all your wisdom, all your insight, injuries and prejudices.
Here are a few defining moments from my life:
1) My parents moved us from South Texas to Middle TN. 100% not my choice (I was 4) but it absolutely was a defining moment in my life
2) I had the choice to go back to Smyrna Middle with all my friends or to go to Stewartsboro for 8th grade the year it opened. I chose Stewartsboro. I didn't get to take algebra 1 in 8th grade and that affected me in high school but I did develop a relationship with Daniel Chunn. He is still my best friend and his friendship led to many other friendships that have totally shaped my life--including, ultimately who I married.
3) Hanging out with my best group of friends at Camp Meribah in the lobby when we were supposed to be in bed and then raiding the kitchen. That is still one of my all time favorite memories. That and camping with Tater's mom (inside joke).
4) The anti-prom party my junior of high school
5) Going to MTSU--I could have gone to lots of other schools but I stayed around here and went to Middle. I can't imagine how different my life would be right now if I had chosen otherwise.
6) Marrying my wife--Can't imagine life without her.
7) Parties at the Trailer--including Bocce OVER the trailer
8) Kids--I have two amazing kids. I also have some amazing nieces (no nephews yet though!!) and young cousins. They all help shape my life because they add value and perspective that no other adult can.
9) Spiritual decisions. I have made several. I joined a different church from my parents when they did not want me to. Then I kept going to it and was very active in the youth group. Then I turned my back on it in college. Then I was redeemed after nearly losing my life. We have considered leaving a few times (and did once), but we've always come back and now are very faithful members. That church has been good to me in so many ways. I hurt when it hurts. I rejoice when it rejoices. I now work with the college kids at church and they are simply a blessing to my life and my family.
10) Moving to GA and then back to TN--it was an awesome adventure to try a different state and it really made home that much more special.
11) Real Estate--I was a teacher and I got fired because I wanted more time with family (ultimately). I could have sulked and not done anything with that opportunity but instead I re-evaluated everything and decided to go a different way. I am not cut out to be a teacher. I want to be a teacher but I am not built for it. I have supreme respect for those that are because I am not and it is truly a noble profession. I am cut out to do what I do now. I still get to teach but I don't have the same kind of restrictions or the same kind of pushback teachers do. I can fire my clients if they are disrespectful (they never are though). If I had been the type to feel sorry for myself, I never would have been bold enough to try something new.
Remember that life is a process not an event. You have countless moments that make you who you are. If one of those events was unpleasant or painful, don't dwell on it, learn from it. Understand how it shapes you, tempers you, puts your guard up. I do have some regrets and that is ok. The idea of "living with no regrets" is stupid. If you have no regrets, you probably didn't learn anything or you are not being honest with yourself. It is not noble or macho to "have no regrets." It is also not mature or introspective. You make mistakes and you should regret making them. If not, you will likely repeat them. All that said, you should not live in regret. Learn, adjust and move on.
What are some of your defining moments? Maybe even just some nostalgic moments that you love to visit in memories?
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Conflict
The following blog is purely my own observation and opinion. I have not done any scientific research or read any scholarly works on the subject. Therefore it is open to discussion, disagreement, your own observation and any anecdotal evidence you may wish to reveal.
We are a nation of conflict avoiders. The vast majority of people will not face a potential conflict. If someone "wrongs" you in some way, you ruminate about it but don't do anything about it. We tend to see conflict as distasteful. If we get bad service at a restaurant, we say nothing or are passive-aggressive about it (this steak was cooked wrong, but that's ok I'm just not going to tip the server that didn't actually cook the food wrong to begin with). We glare at other people arguing in public. We are aghast when someone loudly pleads their case or expresses their disdain. Some even call police when people are just arguing. Parents will often not resolve disagreements in front of kids. We feel it is best to shield them from the fact that mommy and daddy sometimes disagree.
I'm not saying this is, in and of itself, a bad thing. I don't think that conflict is either good or bad. It is, however, inevitable. Conflict happens at every level in nature. Beings disagree with each other. Whether it is territorial, reproductive, religious, or just a disagreement about price, conflict is going to happen. Gosh, sometimes conflict happens within oneself! Why then do we shy away from it?
We are a nation of conflict avoiders. The vast majority of people will not face a potential conflict. If someone "wrongs" you in some way, you ruminate about it but don't do anything about it. We tend to see conflict as distasteful. If we get bad service at a restaurant, we say nothing or are passive-aggressive about it (this steak was cooked wrong, but that's ok I'm just not going to tip the server that didn't actually cook the food wrong to begin with). We glare at other people arguing in public. We are aghast when someone loudly pleads their case or expresses their disdain. Some even call police when people are just arguing. Parents will often not resolve disagreements in front of kids. We feel it is best to shield them from the fact that mommy and daddy sometimes disagree.
I'm not saying this is, in and of itself, a bad thing. I don't think that conflict is either good or bad. It is, however, inevitable. Conflict happens at every level in nature. Beings disagree with each other. Whether it is territorial, reproductive, religious, or just a disagreement about price, conflict is going to happen. Gosh, sometimes conflict happens within oneself! Why then do we shy away from it?
Obviously conflict is not overly "comfortable" and it is not always pleasant to find yourself in a disagreement. For some, the mere fact that they are not "right" is such a blow to their ego that they are indignant ("wait, you mean I am not the omniscient center of the universe?!?!?!?"). No one has ever taught that person the value of "no." For many, many others they have never been taught how to disagree. They never saw an example of healthy disagreement when they were forming their world view. Perhaps they had an abusive, tyrannical parent. Perhaps they had a single parent that had no one to disagree with. Perhaps their parents were "perfect" and never disagreed (in front of them). Either way, they never got to see two adults settle a disagreement and still maintain a relationship. They fear conflict because healthy resolution is an unknown. Unfortunately, as stated earlier, conflict is inevitable and thus when it arises they handle it poorly. At best they get their feelings hurt, at worst they lash out in a violent way.
So what do we do? Do we purposely have conflict so we can teach our kids how to deal with it? No, of course not. I suggest we work on it ourselves first and then don't be afraid to talk to our kids about our own success and failure when conflict arises. Kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for. Ask them questions. "Junior, mommy and daddy disagree about what to fix for dinner tonight. Mommy thinks we should have meatloaf because the ground turkey is about to expire. Daddy thinks we should go out to eat because we don't have any veggies to fix with the meatloaf and he is tired. How should we settle this." Let them know it is not a situation of "daddy won the argument." It is more a situation of "the argument got settled and no one lost any blood." Most importantly, once the argument is settled, it is settled. Also, once the argument is settled, the relationship is back to normal. This is key. Kids cannot go through life thinking that a single argument will make me not love you any more.
Finally, teach them that sometimes things aren't worth arguing over. Have principles, stick to those and otherwise go with the flow. If you love someone, let them "win" sometimes. Decide what is actually important to argue about and then be gentle with it. Don't be a tyrant. You can avoid conflict sometimes by just not being selfish. At the same time, don't be spineless. Be strong and be flexible.
Again, that's just my 2 cents (well, it may be more like 12 cents, I got to rambling a bit). I would love to see what you think about conflict, our tendency to avoid it and how to teach kids about it. Have a great week.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Inconsiderate vs. Lack of Consideration
My wife and I had a conversation yesterday that was pretty interesting. It was sparked by the people dropping their kids off at my son's school. On the surface, it seems like these people are completely devoid of any kind of courtesy, forethought or consideration. Yes, I know that is a big statement to make in the context of such a small task as dropping off the kids for school in the morning. Without drawing you a map, it is hard to explain but I will try. The drop off area on the side of the school is in 2 lanes. When you leave, you go either right or left depending on which lane you are in. This layout has not changed in several years so its not a surprise to anyone. Inevitably, however, there is always someone who held up the line at 7:25 (school starts at 7:30) to make sure they got their kid in the left lane because it is 2 steps closer to the school entrance and then had to make a jump into the right lane to leave that way. It is aggravating to me because that person could have planned ahead a little and started in the right lane and made the kid walk an extra couple of steps. They seem to be oblivious to the headache it causes others and that it holds others up.
At first I thought it was stupid, thoughtless, and rude. Now I am not so sure. I think people, in general, are so focused on their own position, their own "world", that they are not inconsiderate but instead completely lack consideration. I know that sounds the same but it is, in fact, very different. Being inconsiderate means they do it on purpose. They know that what they are doing is selfish and just don't care. Lacking consideration means they never even gave it pause to think that what they are doing could cause others some frustration. They truly are oblivious to how their decision (or lack of decision) impacts others. I think being inconsiderate is worse because there is intention behind it. The only thing behind lack of consideration is ignorance. Ignorance can be helped, if you can get to them. On the flip side, there are so many people that completely lack any level of consideration that we have become an inconsiderate society. That is not good either. I remember in grade school having "guidance" and other "classes" where they discussed citizenship and being a good citizen. I don't know if that is part of any school curriculum anymore but it certainly should be. Try to teach children that other people exist, have places to be, have families, have feelings--just like you do.
I know people like this on a more personal level too. Much like the parents in the drop off lane, they don't seem to make a connection to the idea that the words they use, the way they talk to other people, the attitude they present themselves with drives people away. They drift through life oblivious to the effect they have on other people. Group sizes dwindle and they say stuff like "oh those stupid people quit coming". It never even crosses their mind that perhaps they were a big contributor to that. No one likes to be around a bully. Even if the bully doesn't target them specifically, people don't want to be on the radar, so they stay away. The only way to protect a group when one of these toxic people is in it is to either convince them to look at themselves or to cut them from the group. Neither of which is easy!
What are your thoughts on this? Do you know people that lack consideration? How have you dealt with it in the past? What are some conversation starters to try to approach this topic with a toxic person?
At first I thought it was stupid, thoughtless, and rude. Now I am not so sure. I think people, in general, are so focused on their own position, their own "world", that they are not inconsiderate but instead completely lack consideration. I know that sounds the same but it is, in fact, very different. Being inconsiderate means they do it on purpose. They know that what they are doing is selfish and just don't care. Lacking consideration means they never even gave it pause to think that what they are doing could cause others some frustration. They truly are oblivious to how their decision (or lack of decision) impacts others. I think being inconsiderate is worse because there is intention behind it. The only thing behind lack of consideration is ignorance. Ignorance can be helped, if you can get to them. On the flip side, there are so many people that completely lack any level of consideration that we have become an inconsiderate society. That is not good either. I remember in grade school having "guidance" and other "classes" where they discussed citizenship and being a good citizen. I don't know if that is part of any school curriculum anymore but it certainly should be. Try to teach children that other people exist, have places to be, have families, have feelings--just like you do.
I know people like this on a more personal level too. Much like the parents in the drop off lane, they don't seem to make a connection to the idea that the words they use, the way they talk to other people, the attitude they present themselves with drives people away. They drift through life oblivious to the effect they have on other people. Group sizes dwindle and they say stuff like "oh those stupid people quit coming". It never even crosses their mind that perhaps they were a big contributor to that. No one likes to be around a bully. Even if the bully doesn't target them specifically, people don't want to be on the radar, so they stay away. The only way to protect a group when one of these toxic people is in it is to either convince them to look at themselves or to cut them from the group. Neither of which is easy!
What are your thoughts on this? Do you know people that lack consideration? How have you dealt with it in the past? What are some conversation starters to try to approach this topic with a toxic person?
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Setting Expectations
One of the most important things I do in my job is to set realistic expectations. There's nothing worse than having a conversation and accidentally setting an expectation that you cannot meet or exceed. It makes closing a deal very difficult, if not impossible. I find it is better to be completely realistic and set an accurate expectation than it is to say what the other person wants to hear (or, more accurately, what you THINK they want to hear).
Here are some examples of setting wrong expectations and how easy it is to do:
1) prospective seller says to me, "so I hear the market is picking up." I say, "yeah, it is really booming right now. Prices are as much as 25% higher than 3 years ago." That prospect hears, "I can get 25% more than what I paid for this house 3 years ago." This could definitely be an unrealistic expectation. The number I said may be accurate for the market as a whole but not necessarily for his neighborhood. Plus, he could have trashed his house in 3 years but doesn't see that (pigs don't know pigs stink, ya know).
2) Buyer says to me, "Will they take this offer?" I say, "I definitely would if I were in their shoes." Buyer hears, "any normal thinking person would take this offer." Then what if they don't? What if they counter? Automatically the buyer thinks we are dealing with either a jerk or an idiot, both of which could be true but probably are not.
3) I say to my wife, "I only have a little bit of work to do." She hears, "I will be done in 10 minutes and we can go to dinner." An hour later I finish up and she is mad at me for taking too long.
My point is this, words are powerful because they set expectations for your actions. The thing is, people hear your words through a filter that is their own preconceived notion of the discussion topic. Most of the time you are not privy to the past events that set up that filter. Generally the best way to avoid the confusion is to ask more questions and to listen more than you talk. If you do this, you will probably pick up on the filters and set more accurate expectations. This could totally change your business and certainly make your life better. When you figure out some specific methods to do this, let me know and we will write a book together.
Here are some examples of setting wrong expectations and how easy it is to do:
1) prospective seller says to me, "so I hear the market is picking up." I say, "yeah, it is really booming right now. Prices are as much as 25% higher than 3 years ago." That prospect hears, "I can get 25% more than what I paid for this house 3 years ago." This could definitely be an unrealistic expectation. The number I said may be accurate for the market as a whole but not necessarily for his neighborhood. Plus, he could have trashed his house in 3 years but doesn't see that (pigs don't know pigs stink, ya know).
2) Buyer says to me, "Will they take this offer?" I say, "I definitely would if I were in their shoes." Buyer hears, "any normal thinking person would take this offer." Then what if they don't? What if they counter? Automatically the buyer thinks we are dealing with either a jerk or an idiot, both of which could be true but probably are not.
3) I say to my wife, "I only have a little bit of work to do." She hears, "I will be done in 10 minutes and we can go to dinner." An hour later I finish up and she is mad at me for taking too long.
My point is this, words are powerful because they set expectations for your actions. The thing is, people hear your words through a filter that is their own preconceived notion of the discussion topic. Most of the time you are not privy to the past events that set up that filter. Generally the best way to avoid the confusion is to ask more questions and to listen more than you talk. If you do this, you will probably pick up on the filters and set more accurate expectations. This could totally change your business and certainly make your life better. When you figure out some specific methods to do this, let me know and we will write a book together.
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