Payments and Why, a Two Part Blog

One of my favorite US myths is that you will always have payments, specifically credit card and car payments. I often wonder who started this myth and why it has been perpetuated. I do not have a car payment and I do not have a credit card. I do have some debt but it is 100% tied to real estate. I am not better than anyone else out there. I just decided that I will NOT always have a car payment or credit card payment. I made that decision because it provides freedom.

There are lots of myths out there. I have written about many of them. One surefire way to identify a myth is to look for absolutes--you will always have a car payment. Before you blindly believe things like this, don't be afraid to ask, "why?"

Part 2
"Why?" is a dangerous question for some folks. It challenges the status quo. It makes you stop and think about your actions. It may even make you realize that you don't know why. That means you have been doing something blindly, like sheep. That makes you uncomfortable. I love "why?" If I can't come up with a good reason, then the answer has to be preference or tradition (pretty much). I am ok with those answers if, and only if, you are ok with giving me those as the reasons. If you have thought about it and your requirements are your requirements because of your preference, great. I am for it. If I want whatever it is from you, I have to go with your preference. Whats dangerous, however, is when you tell me to do something, I ask "Why?" and you have no idea. I am not ok with that. That means the action is up for debate or adjustment.

I asked "Why?" all the time growing up and I used to get frustrated with my parents for saying things like "because I said so." That was never good enough for me. Give me a reason. Even if the reason truly is, "no reason, just my preference." I think it is lazy to not give a why. Believe me, I catch myself now saying "because I said so" to my son. I acknowledge that it is laziness.

When folks ask you "why?", don't be offended, don't feel like they are challenging your authority. Perhaps they are building their own basis for understanding and trying to use you as a role model. Most kids build their sense of morality, right and wrong, from their parents. Finding out the motivation for things--the "why?" is an absolutely essential part of this moral code. Not just that you do something but why you do it is very important.

The Lie: Marriage and Family is Not Terribly Valuable

SOOO much pop culture attacks the traditional family. Songs decry living at home and celebrate dysfunction. Modern sitcoms celebrate philandering and the lack of stable relationships. I can't think of one show that I have seen in the past 4-5 years that portrays a traditional nuclear family with a man and woman that have been married to each other only and have children that are biologically both of theirs. I do understand that this "Leave it to Beaver" family is quickly dying and being replaced with steps and halves and other arrangements. TV merely reflects the society to which it is selling. I wonder, though, if the cause and effect is the other way around. How much of the erosion of the family is because of the media?
Before you get bent out of shape, I am NOT saying that the non-traditional family is wrong. I am simply saying that 50 years ago, the traditional family was a man and woman getting married to each other for the first time and staying together and having some kids. Thats how it became the "traditional family". I do see value in this situation. I do think that if it is possible, it is healthier and definitely simpler to have the "traditional family." I know it cuts down on drama!

My question is, why do people stray from, destroy, mess up, choose otherwise from the tradition? One possible answer is that they see the traditional family life as boring and unfulfilling--they are told by society, media, etc. that there is more--more excitement, more "life to live", more partners to have, more places to go, etc. than a traditional family can afford you. This is a lie.

I also know there is an all out assault on anything that even resembles a "normal" family in the media. Shows like Seinfeld, How I Met Your Mother, Friends and Two and a Half Men glorify the single, philandering life and even put down the family life.  These characters are viewed daily as having such a cool life with a new conquest every episode and all manner of dysfunction. Teenagers see these and long for the same. There is no balance in the media either. Even the shows that have two parents frequently make the male character into a doofus. There are virtually no male "father" characters in shows that are intelligent, strong and good fathers. Why? Why do we allow this? Why do we support this? Why is this entertaining?

I don't have the answer. I just have some suggestions.

1. Value the family yourself. It is noble, fulfilling and even fun
2. Value the moments your family gives you. I am guilty here. I get wrapped up in work and ignore my family from time to time. I do this with the excuse that I am earning a living for them. Its just an excuse. Jonas will only be 5 for 365 days. I need to treasure those days. 
3. This one is hard. TRY to choose your mate wisely. DON'T select them based on superficial things. Really consider that person as your partner for the REST of your life.
4. WORK on your relationship. There is no such thing as a fairytale relationship that magically happens one day and is happily ever after for all of eternity with no real effort. If you think you are the exception to the above statement, you are wrong. ALL marriages, ALL relationships need effort and willingness to work together on the problems that arise. If your partner disagrees, you should not choose that person. No life time successful marriage "just happens." They all require maintenance.
5. If you do choose poorly and you know it, don't have kids with that person!

Seriously, put value on stability. Have fun with your family. Show your kids that the family life is good. Reject the idea that marriage is casual and fluid. Build marriages that last forever and teach your kids that those relationsips are precious and good and worth the effort. If you find yourself in a "non-traditional" situation, still teach your kids that marriage is good and should be one time in your life with one person. Be open about the mistakes that led to your situation (when appropriate, of course). Finally, men, be strong, loving fathers. Don't be the doofi (Latin plural for doofus) that the media portrays and most importantly, BE PRESENT.

I know this blog has potential to stir up some conversation. I welcome that. Please do recognize that I speak in generalities and I know that every single situation is unique. I am not pointing fingers, I am just sharing my ideals.

The Lie--Kids Shouldn't Argue

When I was growing up, I argued--a lot. I argued with my brother, mom, dad, teachers, relative and anyone else that would argue. Pretty much every time, an authority figure would tell me not to argue. Parents would tell me "because I said so" when I asked why I should do something. Teachers and other authority figures would see an argument as a challenge to their authority and would quash it immediately. What I learned from this was that I was less than those people--even if I had a valid argument and was able to articulate it.

I believe this to have been a disservice. Now, remember, I am a parent, I was a teacher and I have said "because I said so". On more occasions though, I have listened to the argument and made a decision stand or be reversed after the argument was presented. I believe this is a valuable skill to be taught. I believe it is important for kids to learn how to properly disagree and discuss the differences (argue if you will) in a safe environment. I also believe that they learn submission to authority in enough places.

Let me qualify this point of view with a few caveats--some things are not up for discussion. Some things are not important enough to discuss and some are too important to be lenient. If my son wanted to play in the interstate, I would say no and it would not matter how convincing of an argument he presented, the answer would stay no.

Some things, however, are ripe for discussion. If he wants to do something else and can present a good reason, I will, even at 5 years old let him have his way. I am objective enough to know that some of the things I tell him to do are completely arbitrary. There is no good reason for him to do it this way or that. If he wants to do it a different way, fine. I think this lets him develop his logic and reasoning skills and helps him develop his communication skills.

I was the same way in my classroom. I would give parameters for a project. If a student came and said they would rather do it a different way and could give me a good reason why, I was flexible. It created a bit more work but it helped them learn the concept and learn to communicate with authority well. It also gave me a great opportunity to teach the soft skill of debate (argument). I would even help them argue with me sometimes.

That may sound weird but it is invaluable to the developing mind. Teach them how to argue. Teach them and give them opportunities to think on their own, form a plan, present the plan and try to be persuasive. Teach them how to resolve conflict. All the while, coaching them on being respectful, being open minded and being creative. Too many kids give up at the first "no". Still other kids don't give up, they get beligerent or equate a "no" with a rejection of THEM.

Bottom line, kids should be given the opportunity to argue with you. Help them decide which topics are open for discussion and which ones are not. Let them formulate an argument and even let them win sometimes. If everyone did this, I think we would have a much less frustrated, depressed, unable to deal with rejection, unable to cope with "no" society.

Who wants to argue with me?