Why I Love My Children

Going in a COMPLETELY different direction today because I feel like writing something that will make me feel good.

I have two kids. Jonas is 6 and Maggie is 17 months old. You may not be aware of this but my kids are the smartest kids on the planet. Sorry if you thought yours are, you are wrong. How do I know this? Because they are my kids, of course.

Jonas is a reading machine. He is in Kindergarten and is reading Magic Treehouse chapter books. He loves it. He is also so insightful. He recognizes when people are sad, angry, etc. by their body language--they don't even have to speak. I can't do that half the time!

Maggie is a spitfire. She is into everything. She is also talking in two word sentences and understands WAY more than I think she should. She has even used the potty a time or two. Told you, smartest kids ever.

That is not why I love them so much. I am proud of them for that kind of stuff but I don't love them because of it. I love them because they are my kids. I love them because God placed me in a position of responsibility for their EVERYTHING right now. I am responsible for their physical well being, emotional well being, spiritual well being and mental well being. I am responsible for their growth as individuals, as members of the church and as members of our society. I am responsible for teaching them about giving--both of time and money. I am responsible for showing both of them how to have a healthy marriage. I am responsible for demonstrating to them God's love for his church, for people and for them as his children. That's a lot of responsibility! I cannot adequately put into words how that responsibility translates to love, but it does--and it's pretty cool.

The responsibility seems overwhelming but it is not without reward. My kids return that love 10000 fold. They love me no matter what. When I pick them up from daycare, they both come running and grab onto me like they haven't seen me in weeks. When they hurt--no matter how "independent" they want to be, they come to me or Cindy. They trust us unconditionally. I cannot do wrong in their eyes. I am my son's hero right now. He tells me how awesome I am. I tell him how awesome he is. It's pretty awesome.

I write all this as an encouragement. Fathers, love your kids. Acknowledge them, value them, build them up. The rewards for taking care of your responsibility here are boundless. Show them how to be the best possible version of themselves by striving to be the best possible version of yourself. They learn the MOST by observing and mimicking you. Make it count.

What to do, what to do...

I have so much buzzing around in my head to write about tonight. I normally try to do my blog in the morning on Wednesday. It was not feasible to do that today so I am trying to write it now. Problem is, my head is clouded with so much info that I want to write about that I can't focus on one thing.

Big topic is the whole Chick Fil A thing. Here is my take, this whole debacle has done absolutely NOTHING to actually further anyone's agenda and has definitely not done anything to further God's kingdom. The end.

Primary elections are tomorrow. I know who I am voting for and who I am definitely NOT voting for. I hope you do as well.

Led a discussion in college class tonight about social media and if it is a useful tool in evangelism. Interesting topic. We ended the discussion with basically the idea that the Bible teaches about how to use social media--Do everything in love. 1 Cor. 16:14.  Also posed the question--Is it Biblical to "stand up for your Christian rights"? Would Jesus have encouraged us to fight for our "rights as Christians"?

Real estate is still going strong for me. I am on track to close 30+transactions this year. God is good.

Also, the realization that my son is 5 and going to kindergarten is very, very real. I HAVE to embrace this time as it is slipping away very, very quickly. Guilt is pressing on me so much right now. I just want him to look back when he is 20 and say, "man, my dad was a hard worker but he always had time for me." I want my actions to communicate to my children just how precious they really are. It is very hard to balance time with them, with Cindy and with my clients.

That about sums it up. Oh yeah, and glad I didn't buy Facebook stock. Good night.

The Lie--Kids Shouldn't Argue

When I was growing up, I argued--a lot. I argued with my brother, mom, dad, teachers, relative and anyone else that would argue. Pretty much every time, an authority figure would tell me not to argue. Parents would tell me "because I said so" when I asked why I should do something. Teachers and other authority figures would see an argument as a challenge to their authority and would quash it immediately. What I learned from this was that I was less than those people--even if I had a valid argument and was able to articulate it.

I believe this to have been a disservice. Now, remember, I am a parent, I was a teacher and I have said "because I said so". On more occasions though, I have listened to the argument and made a decision stand or be reversed after the argument was presented. I believe this is a valuable skill to be taught. I believe it is important for kids to learn how to properly disagree and discuss the differences (argue if you will) in a safe environment. I also believe that they learn submission to authority in enough places.

Let me qualify this point of view with a few caveats--some things are not up for discussion. Some things are not important enough to discuss and some are too important to be lenient. If my son wanted to play in the interstate, I would say no and it would not matter how convincing of an argument he presented, the answer would stay no.

Some things, however, are ripe for discussion. If he wants to do something else and can present a good reason, I will, even at 5 years old let him have his way. I am objective enough to know that some of the things I tell him to do are completely arbitrary. There is no good reason for him to do it this way or that. If he wants to do it a different way, fine. I think this lets him develop his logic and reasoning skills and helps him develop his communication skills.

I was the same way in my classroom. I would give parameters for a project. If a student came and said they would rather do it a different way and could give me a good reason why, I was flexible. It created a bit more work but it helped them learn the concept and learn to communicate with authority well. It also gave me a great opportunity to teach the soft skill of debate (argument). I would even help them argue with me sometimes.

That may sound weird but it is invaluable to the developing mind. Teach them how to argue. Teach them and give them opportunities to think on their own, form a plan, present the plan and try to be persuasive. Teach them how to resolve conflict. All the while, coaching them on being respectful, being open minded and being creative. Too many kids give up at the first "no". Still other kids don't give up, they get beligerent or equate a "no" with a rejection of THEM.

Bottom line, kids should be given the opportunity to argue with you. Help them decide which topics are open for discussion and which ones are not. Let them formulate an argument and even let them win sometimes. If everyone did this, I think we would have a much less frustrated, depressed, unable to deal with rejection, unable to cope with "no" society.

Who wants to argue with me?

The Lie--You Should "Do Better" than Your Parents

This is one of my "pet lies". I have a hard time not subscribing to this one myself, probably because I am very competitive. Many people, across all generations, believe this lie. It basically says that, because your parents accomplished this certain level of success, you should accomplish a higher level. Parents perpetuate the lie when they say things like "I just want better for you than I had." On the surface, this seems logical and seems like a noble goal. The problem in this lie stems from the common perception of "success" and what exactly it means to "do better."

First, know that I applaud parents for providing for their kids and I believe it is the parents' responsibility to provide opportunities and to give the kids a chance to accomplish great things. Thats not at all what this is about. I also believe that kids should strive to be the best they can be at everything they endeavor--sports, education, music, whatever. Again, thats not what this is about. I also believe that children should learn from their parents' mistakes. As the generations accumulate wisdom, children should be smarter, more wise and less mistake prone (theoretically). By that definition, kids COULD do better than their parents (though, most of those "life mistakes" have to actually be lived to be learned). I am focusing on the drive that many people feel starting in their early 20s. The want, and even need in some, to be at the same place their parents are currently. The inner push to have a higher salary, bigger house, nicer car, etc.

Where does this come from? I would say it starts with the parents themselves. As they raise the children they say things like, "I don't want you to struggle" and "You should do better than I did." Both are seemingly innocuous statements but, without proper explanation, they can be misguiding. Most parents mean that they don't want their kids to have to deal with the hard times. Parents forget, however, that the hard times make them appreciate the good times and the hard times build the character necessary to face future hard times. They also forget the simplicity that exists in the hard times (my life was so much simpler when I had 3 sticks of furniture, a rented apartment and a whole lotta love for my wife).

The next source of this problem is our own tendency to become acclimated to a certain lifestyle. Stick with me on this. If I am raised in a certain lifestyle, I get used to it. When I try to strike out on my own, it will be difficult to dial down my lifestyle. Parents need to do a better job of allowing their kids to see, touch, and feel a lesser lifestyle sometimes. Don't give them everything under the sun. Make them earn things. Make them make choices and sacrifices. Make them understand the concept of tradeoffs. Also, reassure them that it is ok to be in want sometimes. Its ok to live on lower means. Tell them the stories of how good for you it was to struggle with money.

So, whats the real problem with this lie? I think this lie is one of the MAIN causes for our growing dependence on debt. 18, 19, 20 year old kids are getting in tremendous debt as they feel they are entitled to nice cars, nice possessions and the same lifestyle their 50 year old parents have. These kids feel the pressure to live up to their parents, forgetting that their parents have 30 years on them building their wealth. This lie has contributed to the housing bust. You had first time home buyers completely exhausting their home buying power as they felt they should buy the biggest, nicest home they could possibly afford (instead of buying a true "starter home"). This lie contributes to students going thousands and thousands of dollars in debt to their schools as they feel this is the only way to get the education that will get them the job that will give them the salary higher than their parents. Another problem is that all to often this becomes an obsession for people. Parents obsess over their kids accomplishments. They push and push and push until the kid breaks. Kids obsess as well. When the parents push too hard, the kids feel the pressure. This can lead to all sorts of issues.

Whats the alternative? Should parents make their kids poor on purpose just to build character? Should parents discourage their kids from doing their best? Of course not. The answer is in the mindset. Number one, parents should let the kids know that sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down but, first, God never leaves and, second, you can always find contentment. Then, the parents should teach that contentment is not complacency. Just because I am content, I don't quit improving myself. Then the parents can teach kids to delay pleasure and the idea behind the tortoise and the hare. Its ok, even preferable, to build wealth slowly, methodically and incrementally. I believe God treats us the same way. He entrusts us with a little, then adds more as we prove our worth. Bottom line is this, be careful what message you give your kids about material things. Teach them contentment and allow them to learn how to build slowly.

Finally, help them define "success". Success is not measured in salary or stuff. It is measured in your ability and willingness to serve God. I know several that make half as much money as I do but I would call them more successful because they serve God with all they have. I am still trying to learn this lesson. It is HARD to reprogram myself in this regard. Hard, but worth it.

The Lie--Discipline Will Damage a Kid

Ok parents, this one is for you. This lie is not overtly spoken in our culture. It is more of a lie that is OBVIOUSLY present when I interact with or see you and your kids in public. I don't know if all of the perpetrators of this lie believe it exactly as I have written it, but there is SOME reason they don't discipline their children. I don't know if they think they will damage the kid or if they think it is better to spoil the child or if they are too tired or lazy to discipline or if they are purposely creating kids with no discipline as a means of retaliating against a society they feel has given them a raw deal. Either way, I would challenge that parent by saying that discipline of your children is actually HOW you love them and not disciplining them is actually hurting them and may even be a form of neglect.

The first time your kid throws a fit in the cereal aisle because he or she wants the super sugar fruity yum yums, that child is testing your reaction. If you bend to their will because you don't want to make a scene, they won. They now know that anytime they want something (and they will ALWAYS want something), they just have to make enough of a scene to make you cave in. This habit will stick with them for a very long time. This will be crippling to them later in life. Children crave discipline and order and routine. They are still trying to figure out how things work. As babies, they cried, you fed them (or changed them, or rocked them or burped them). As kids, they will try the same tactics because they think it will work. It is our job as parents to help them grow past this stage.

Kids are not pleasure delay-ers. They want something and they want it now. One vital skill that parents should teach is that life does not always bend in your direction. If you want something, you have to plan for it, save for it, budget for it. NOT doing so leads to overspending, debt and financial hardship. Many adults would have greatly benefited from this lesson early in life (including me). This is where my theory that discipline is a form of love comes in. As a parent, I want my child to be happy, healthy and successful. I see my most important job (after being a strong Christian and a great husband) to be raising my kids with integrity, work ethic, compassion, and discipline. That discipline is what will get them through their studies when they would rather party. That discipline is what will give them the strength to turn down the drugs when someone offers them (and someone will). That discipline is what will help them excel at whatever extra pursuits they choose (music, athletics, academics, etc.). That discipline is what will allow them to focus at their work and excel there. It is essential. God views discipline as a form of love. He disciplines his followers when they don't obey (look at the Israelites). Discipline in the Bible is what sharpens God's people to be better Christians. Not giving them the discipline, is, therefore, neglect.

So what kind of discipline am I talking about.
NUMBER 1 is the word "NO." Kids MUST hear the word "no". They absolutely must not get everything their heart desires. I don't care how rich you are. You must not give your kid everything--period. Being able to deal with "No" is the hardest lesson to learn. It is also the most important. Kids that never hear "No" do not deal with rejection in relationships well. They will, at some point in their lives, be turned down. If you want to make that first rejection absolutely devastating, never tell your kid no.
NUMBER 2 is teach your kid to prioritize and to make "either/or" choices. Life is full of trade offs. I can either go here or here, not both. I can either have the Super Sugar Fruity Yum Yums or the pack of Tic Tacs. Not both. Learning to make a choice and stick with it very early (like 1 year old) is so important. They learn to be decisive. They learn to be who they are. They learn to prioritize. They, by the nature of choice, learn "NO".
NUMBER 3 is to have REAL consequences for bad choices. Jonas has learned real early that life is nothing but a series of choices. Sometimes he makes good choices, sometimes he makes bad choices. Good choices are pleasurable. Bad choices have unpleasurable repercussions. If he jumps off something too high, it hurts--bad choice. If I tell him not to do something and he does it, he gets spanked. It hurts--bad choice. One time he tore a book at the baby sitter's house. He had been saving his little commission for many weeks so he could go to Toys R Us and pick something out. He had to spend all of his money on a new book. It hurt that he could not get what he wanted--bad choice. He has thrown a fit in the middle of restaurants. He knows that the result of a fit is a spanking--period. In the middle of dinner, he throws a fit, I take him immediately to the restroom and give him the consequence of his bad choice. I tell him that I am not giving him the spanking, he chose the action that led to it.
NUMBER 4 is to model the discipline. This can't be left out. If you don't act with discipline, how in the world can you expect them to. If you don't want them to cuss, then YOU shouldn't cuss. If you don't want them to throw fits when they don't get what they want, then YOU can't throw fits if you don't get what you want.
NUMBER 5--and this is probably the most important part to counter the lie--You MUST reassure them that no matter what, no matter what they do, you still love them. I know my discipline does not damage my child because I know that they know that I love them. I tell him every single day, several times a day, that he is important, he is smart, he is good, and I love him. After I discipline him, I ask him to tell my why he got in trouble and then I spend a good bit of time hugging him and telling him I love him no matter what. This reinforces the idea that discipline is love. I tell him that his actions have consequences but those consequences will never be that I don't love him.

Listen, I am not the worlds greatest dad. I'm probably not even in the top 100 greatest dads. But, I love my kids. I want them to be productive, contributing members of society and I am trying to equip them with the core principles to help them succeed at whatever they choose. Will they always be successful, no. I actually pray that every now and then (rarely), they fall on their face. It builds character and makes the successes that much more sweet. This ability to succeed starts with discipline. Don't be afraid to do it. Your kids will thank you for it later. I know I am thankful for my parents having the guts and the intestinal fortitude to discipline me.

One last thing, I DO NOT think that spanking is the only, or even the best, form of discipline. You have to figure out what works for your kids with each situation. For example, grounding Jonas from the TV or IPad sometimes works MUCH better than spanking because he is reminded of it every single time he wants to watch something. Other times, spanking is the better choice. Some people don't spank. Ok, fine. They still MUST discipline and it MUST be meaningful to the kid.

The Lie: Fathers are not important if a strong mother is present...

Ok, this one could get a little dicey. Remember the rules--debate and discuss but do not belittle or swear or be mean to each other. Let's start by saying this, I am pointing the above statement out as a lie in the general sense. There are DEFINITELY exceptions to the rule. Those exceptions (the minority) are most likely what caused the lie to be propagated. That said, if you are an exception to the rule, then I applaud you. Even so, there is overwhelming evidence that it is a lie to think that an active father (papa, dad or daddy) is not important.  Oh yeah, I do tend to write in a sort of stream of consciousness style. It all makes sense to me though.

Let's start with how I know this is a pervasive thought. Turn on any modern sitcom that features a father figure. There is a really good chance that the father is the comic relief in the show. He is portrayed as insensitive, bumbling, weak and a buffoon. I can not think of one show in over 10 years where there was a strong, intelligent, active, true father figure. Now think of the modern women's movement. There are countless shirts, pinterest sayings, facebook posts, etc that espouse the virtues of kicking out the dad and going with mom only. Let me stop here and say that, unfortunately, the lion's share of the blame rides on the so called "fathers." I know that. I know that many, many, many males in our culture are deadbeats. They create a child and then squander their opportunity to be a father. I also know there are many that are or become abusive--whether it is chemically induced or some latent defect in that male's upbringing finally coming to the surface. My blog is not meant to chastise the moms for protecting themselves and their families. My intent is to try to discuss why it is important for a good father to be present instead of bowing to the cultural viewpoint that says, "well he was an idiot, oh well, dads aren't that important anyway."

I understand that this is a common direction to take if your dad/husband/father of your child ditches you. It is normal to say that it is their loss and they don't really matter. It is a defense mechanism to try to talk you out of any guilt, depression, fear, etc.

Now, I would of course adopt the view that you should never create the baby outside of a strong marriage covenant relationship. The most important things a child gains from its parents is the model of relationship. The child needs to see healthy spousal interaction, healthy conflict resolution (yes, healthy spouses still disagree), healthy relationships with friends and healthy leadership out of the father. I do realize that babies are created outside of these relationships. So, if you help create a baby, it is your responsibility to care for that child. It is your responsibility to provide direction, support and love for that child. The child needs you, no matter what the mom says, the child needs you. You have a different viewpoint from the mother. You provide balance in that child's life.

My parents are still married to each other. They got married at 19 years old and have been married for 32 years now. When they married each other, they made a covenant and have not broken it. I believe I am who I am now because of this. I learned from my father how to be a husband, how to be a father, how to be a man. WAY too many kids grow up without these lessons. Was he perfect--far from it. Am I perfect--far from it. Did he do things I swore I would never do--of course. Part of the lesson was to see how not to do things. Its a constant evolution. That said, he was present, supportive, and loved my mom. Those are the most important things. Those are what I am imploring my fellow males to become--men.

Here are just a very few statistics (collected on innocentdads.org) to drive my point home:

1) 43% of US children live without their father [US Department of Census] 2) 90% of homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
3) 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes. [Criminal Justice & Behaviour, Vol 14, pp. 403-26, 1978]
4) 71% of pregnant teenagers lack a father. [U.S. Department of Health and Human Services press release, Friday, March 26, 1999]
5) 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
6) 85% of children who exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. [Center for Disease Control]
7) 90% of adolescent repeat arsonists live with only their mother. [Wray Herbert, “Dousing the Kindlers,” Psychology Today, January, 1985, p. 28]
8) 71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. [National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]
9) 75% of adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes. [Rainbows f for all God’s Children]
10) 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions have no father. [US Department of Justice, Special Report, Sept. 1988]
11) 85% of youths in prisons grew up in a fatherless home. [Fulton County Georgia jail populations, Texas Department of Corrections, 1992]
12) Fatherless boys and girls are: twice as likely to drop out of high school; twice as likely to end up in jail; four times more likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems. [US D.H.H.S. news release, March 26, 1999]

If these don't speak to you, I don't know what will. Dads, do whatever you can to be present in your child's life. Moms, allow the dad to be present. If this is just not possible, purposely find a positive male figure for your child--grandfather, uncle, youth minister, someone that can show the child that not every man is a buffoon. EVERYONE--think before you create that child. Don't do it if you aren't serious about being with each other for the rest of your lives. Marriage and parenting is HARD WORK. It is NOT something to be taken lightly. It is NOT something for the frivolous and flighty. Remember what is at stake--read these statistics again.