Uncovering Lies and Slight Untruths!

A while back I had a series of blogs called "Great American Lies." It was a lot  of fun to write these and they got good feedback. Every now and then I uncover a new lie that is built into our culture. You see, if we repeat something in our culture enough, it becomes part of our fabric, even if it is untrue. Some of the previous lies discussed included "you must go to college to be successful," "you must 'do better' than your parents," "fair treatment is equal treatment," and "fathers aren't important if the mother is strong enough." These were great conversation starters.

Over the next few weeks, I am going to revive this idea of common lies. I will be looking specifically at lies that permeate the church and create an environment and culture within the church that is not healthy or inviting for others. Disclaimer: I don't necessarily believe that everything I will call a lie is a purposeful bending or omission of the truth. Some of these are just thoughts that have been twisted and misused for so long that they are "truths" within the church that need to be challenged or thrown out completely. Some of these are just a discussion of semantics BUT semantics are important. Words are the tools we use to communicate about our emotions and religion. Word choice is, therefor, supremely important.

Here are a few of the topics I plan to cover.

• Young people are the future of the church
• Hate the sin, love the sinner
• Christianity is about loving everyone
• You shouldn't care what other people think of you
• Judging others is wrong
• You don't have to attend church to be a good Christian (of course it is also a lie that just because you attend church you must be a good Christian)
• Christians must stand up for themselves in society

I give these to you ahead of time for a few reasons. 

1) I want you to start thinking about them as lies. See if you can figure out the angle I am going to take. 

2) I want you to challenge me when I write about them. 

3) I want you to hold me accountable to writing this series. 

A Lie I Never Addressed

So, I had this series of blogs I wrote a few months back called "Great American Lies". In that series I rambled on about various lies built into our culture. It was a good series and got lots of comments. I'm sure not everyone agreed with me and that's what made it fun. It also got me started blogging on a regular basis instead of randomly. I have a few lies that did not make the first series and I will write on them sporadically if nothing else interests me on a given Wednesday. Today I am going to write about the lie that "you can be anything you want to be."

This is a lie that starts at our very core. America is the "Land of Opportunity" and as such, we believe that someone can dream big and make it bigger. The problem with this lie is that it is so very incomplete. In other words, there are LOTS of caveats to this statement. "Want" is not enough. You must identify the small steps to make it to your end result. You must work through the inevitable setbacks. You must gain the skill, education, experience, credentials, friends or whatever to make it to that final goal. In other words, you can't be anything you just "want" to be.

I find it interesting/annoying also that some folks look down on people that arrive at a destination in life because of a friend or family name. Some people do have a better launching platform than others. For some the journey to "what they want to be" is much shorter. One of the beautiful things about this lie is that there is some truth in it, though. It IS possible for someone with nothing to be something spectacular--IF and only IF they are willing to make the sacrifices, do the work, make the connections, take the risk, chart the path and again, do the work to get there. It is absolutely possible for someone raised in poverty to become a brain surgeon or a major politician or whatever. WE OURSELVES make this more difficult by holding onto the lie that all we have to do is "want" to be something.

Then we really mess things up when we look at this lie as a lie but from the wrong angle. What I mean is that some people identify this as a lie by saying, "In America, you can't be anything you want to be because you are _______" and they fill in that blank with anything from a specific race to a specific religion or "not from a certain family" or whatever. They identify this as a lie but they miss what the lie actually is.  The lie is in the statement's incompleteness, it is not actually a lie in and of itself. You CAN be anything you want to be IF you are willing to work for it. Call it a lie of omission.

The Lie--You MUST Go to College

Ok, parents and teachers don't kill me over this one. I know it may not be popular. I have fought against this lie for many years--including the 4 years I taught high school. I met some opposition sometimes! This one is pretty simple though. College is NOT for everyone. Young people need to hear that. Our society--from the president all the way down to individual parents--puts an intense amount of pressure on the youth. There is this pervasive mindset that college is THE ticket to success, wealth and happiness. This is a LIE. Plain and simple. College will not make you happy, wealthy or successful.

First, lets address the idea that college is necessary for success. College will not guarantee your earning potential. It does help (to some extent) give you an edge. There are some jobs that will require a college degree. Many of those jobs do pay more than jobs that don't require a degree. That said, there is an endless supply of exceptions to this rule. Compare the salaries of a diesel mechanic and an elementary school teacher. The other flaw here is the definition of success. I have discussed this on several occasions but it is always worth reiterating. Success should NEVER be measured by salary--NEVER.

So what does impact your earning potential? I think it is a combination of several things. One, you need a marketable skill set. For some, this comes with college. For others this comes from a technical school. Still other acquire this skill set from experience and experimentation. All are viable options as long as you can market them. Two, you need the drive to leverage your strengths. If you can't sell your skills, they get wasted. Be proud of your abilities--they are gifts from God. Three, you have to be able to differentiate yourself from others with the same skills. Maybe this means you connect to groups of people that are underserved, maybe you tweak your product to make it different or better. I don't know. But you should. Next, you have to find your calling. If you are doing the work God put you here to do, you will be successful, period. Finally, you go DO IT. You can make plans and scheme all you want but if you never put any action behind the plan, it is a waste.

Don't misunderstand me, I think college is valuable. I think many, many people benefit from it (even those that don't graduate). I think if you don't know what you want to do, college is a good place to "find yourself" (sometimes). Just remember, college is not for everyone. It's ok if you want to go to a tech school. It's ok if you want to go to Nashville Auto Diesel. It's ok if you want to join the military. There are lots more options out there. This country needs people at every level of the employment chain. The important thing is that you develop some kind of marketable skill and put it to work.

The Lie--"Fair Treatment" is "Same Treatment"

Having been a teacher and now a dad, I hear all the time about how "that's not fair. Billy Bob got __________ and you gave me ________." It is my opinion that the concept of "fairness" has been muddled with "sameness".  Many people think that the only way for some decision to be fair is for it to be the same decision you gave someone else. This takes away the opportunity to look at circumstances and to make a decision based on the entire body of information. This viewpoint means that I must pay equal amounts of attention to each kid, each day. So, if I am teaching a difficult concept to a class of 20 and 15 truly understand the concept and need no further instruction it would be fair to reteach the concept to everyone just so the 5 can get it.

This is the point where I disagree. Not every person, in every circumstance needs to be treated fairly. In the above illustration, it may not be "fair" to keep my attention from the 15 but it is the right thing to do. I should challenge those 15 with some other concept while trying to reteach the 5, even though that is not "fair".

Another illustration, If fairness is sameness and a kid has a heart attack, do I need to make sure to perform CPR on each kid? Of course, that is absurd but look at the illustration. In many parts of society, especially education, we feel that whatever on person gets, the other should as well. This completely eliminates the concept of specific needs, different learning styles, ability, maturity, life circumstances, etc. It also eliminates the need for the adminstrator to pass judgement. There in lies the motivation. If I can just administer the same treatment to all of my charges all the time, it is fair and it removes the possibility of someone calling "favoritism". Boy aren't we afraid of being accused of playing favorites!! 

When you look up the term "Fair" you get this definition--"Free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice". Nowhere in that definition is the concept of equality. Free from bias means that you don't have any leanings toward one or the other party. Dishonesty means just that, you are honest in your attempts and injustice means you didn't "do anyone wrong". If we were to utilize this concept of fairness in our daily lives, what would change? One, we would be encouraged to remove the jealousy bug that creeps in because it isn't "fair". In other words, the Occupiers would look at the situation they are protesting and determine how much of what they are protesting is "sameness" and how much is "fairness". In other words, are they jealous that they don't have the same wealth or is there actually some "bias, dishonesty or injustice?" I think there probably is some of that but not as much as they want us to believe. I think the majority of what the occupiers protest is jealousy that there is not enough sameness. I think it is time for the occupiers to get a little more specific about the injustices they are protesting. If they cannot get specific, then they are just upset about the lack of sameness (aka jealousy). Its sort of like they are saying, " I know you cheated to get there, I just can't prove it." How do they "know"? Because they have not achieved the same level and that is not fair. See the absurdity here too?

What else would change if we as a society rejected the concept that "Fair" is "Same"? We could cut a tremendous amount of money out of social welfare programs. People would be served only what they truly needed, not what they can get because it is fair. Just think about that for a second. I know that there is a benefit to most social programs and none should just plain go away. There is a legit need for many of them. I also know there is a ton of abuse that people get away with because the administrators are afraid of being unfair. What if the administrators were able to look at each specific circumstance and provide the service that is truly needed? Many people clamor for people being drug tested before given welfare. This is a backlash to abuses of the system. What if instead, people are drug tested and instead of being denied welfare, they are enrolled in a treatment facility. In other words, they are given what they actually need. Its the same concept as the kid having the heart attack in your class. He needs CPR, the other kids do not.

Why won't this work? People are addicted to sameness and jealousy. If I see that person get a certain treatment, I feel slighted if I don't get the same (even if I don't need, or even really want, that treatment). Can it change? Sure. People have to be honest with themselves and have to (ultimately) find contentment in their circumstances. Contentment does not mean they don't strive for more, it just means that they aren't eaten up with jealousy when a peer has more. I challenge you to work on this. Before you utter the words "thats not fair", think about it. Has that person worked harder than you? Has that person earned it? Has there really been an injustice, bias or dishonesty? If not, then you are just jealous. Thoughts?

The Lie: Fathers are not important if a strong mother is present...

Ok, this one could get a little dicey. Remember the rules--debate and discuss but do not belittle or swear or be mean to each other. Let's start by saying this, I am pointing the above statement out as a lie in the general sense. There are DEFINITELY exceptions to the rule. Those exceptions (the minority) are most likely what caused the lie to be propagated. That said, if you are an exception to the rule, then I applaud you. Even so, there is overwhelming evidence that it is a lie to think that an active father (papa, dad or daddy) is not important.  Oh yeah, I do tend to write in a sort of stream of consciousness style. It all makes sense to me though.

Let's start with how I know this is a pervasive thought. Turn on any modern sitcom that features a father figure. There is a really good chance that the father is the comic relief in the show. He is portrayed as insensitive, bumbling, weak and a buffoon. I can not think of one show in over 10 years where there was a strong, intelligent, active, true father figure. Now think of the modern women's movement. There are countless shirts, pinterest sayings, facebook posts, etc that espouse the virtues of kicking out the dad and going with mom only. Let me stop here and say that, unfortunately, the lion's share of the blame rides on the so called "fathers." I know that. I know that many, many, many males in our culture are deadbeats. They create a child and then squander their opportunity to be a father. I also know there are many that are or become abusive--whether it is chemically induced or some latent defect in that male's upbringing finally coming to the surface. My blog is not meant to chastise the moms for protecting themselves and their families. My intent is to try to discuss why it is important for a good father to be present instead of bowing to the cultural viewpoint that says, "well he was an idiot, oh well, dads aren't that important anyway."

I understand that this is a common direction to take if your dad/husband/father of your child ditches you. It is normal to say that it is their loss and they don't really matter. It is a defense mechanism to try to talk you out of any guilt, depression, fear, etc.

Now, I would of course adopt the view that you should never create the baby outside of a strong marriage covenant relationship. The most important things a child gains from its parents is the model of relationship. The child needs to see healthy spousal interaction, healthy conflict resolution (yes, healthy spouses still disagree), healthy relationships with friends and healthy leadership out of the father. I do realize that babies are created outside of these relationships. So, if you help create a baby, it is your responsibility to care for that child. It is your responsibility to provide direction, support and love for that child. The child needs you, no matter what the mom says, the child needs you. You have a different viewpoint from the mother. You provide balance in that child's life.

My parents are still married to each other. They got married at 19 years old and have been married for 32 years now. When they married each other, they made a covenant and have not broken it. I believe I am who I am now because of this. I learned from my father how to be a husband, how to be a father, how to be a man. WAY too many kids grow up without these lessons. Was he perfect--far from it. Am I perfect--far from it. Did he do things I swore I would never do--of course. Part of the lesson was to see how not to do things. Its a constant evolution. That said, he was present, supportive, and loved my mom. Those are the most important things. Those are what I am imploring my fellow males to become--men.

Here are just a very few statistics (collected on innocentdads.org) to drive my point home:

1) 43% of US children live without their father [US Department of Census] 2) 90% of homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
3) 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes. [Criminal Justice & Behaviour, Vol 14, pp. 403-26, 1978]
4) 71% of pregnant teenagers lack a father. [U.S. Department of Health and Human Services press release, Friday, March 26, 1999]
5) 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
6) 85% of children who exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. [Center for Disease Control]
7) 90% of adolescent repeat arsonists live with only their mother. [Wray Herbert, “Dousing the Kindlers,” Psychology Today, January, 1985, p. 28]
8) 71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. [National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]
9) 75% of adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes. [Rainbows f for all God’s Children]
10) 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions have no father. [US Department of Justice, Special Report, Sept. 1988]
11) 85% of youths in prisons grew up in a fatherless home. [Fulton County Georgia jail populations, Texas Department of Corrections, 1992]
12) Fatherless boys and girls are: twice as likely to drop out of high school; twice as likely to end up in jail; four times more likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems. [US D.H.H.S. news release, March 26, 1999]

If these don't speak to you, I don't know what will. Dads, do whatever you can to be present in your child's life. Moms, allow the dad to be present. If this is just not possible, purposely find a positive male figure for your child--grandfather, uncle, youth minister, someone that can show the child that not every man is a buffoon. EVERYONE--think before you create that child. Don't do it if you aren't serious about being with each other for the rest of your lives. Marriage and parenting is HARD WORK. It is NOT something to be taken lightly. It is NOT something for the frivolous and flighty. Remember what is at stake--read these statistics again.

Great American Lies--Labels

So, I have decided to start a blog series. I realize that there are about 3270598709387509 different blogs out there and that mine will just be one of them. I also realize that most of the topics I am writing on in this series are not "new" or "groundbreaking". I am writing this blog for a few reasons:

1) I like to write. I am not the best writer, but I am not terrible either. Writing about debatable topics helps me to really home in on what I think. It also provides some level of therapy.
2) I love to debate. I think debate is one thing we don't have enough of. We have plenty of argument but not enough debate. I am writing on some topics that will inevitably inspire discussion and debate. I really look forward to that. I just ask that you keep it civil and intelligent.
3) I think more people should voice their opinions on these topics. I think that putting your opinions in words will make you think about the topic and will help you when friends or politicians start in on these topics.

The subject of this series is "Great American Lies." As you can probably glean from the title, I am going to address some things that I feel are lies in our country. Some are societal, "common sense" or "collective wisdom" that are just plain wrong. Some are lies that politicians want you to believe. Some are lies that we tell ourselves in order to block out some painful or uncomfortable situation. Still others are what I would call "lies of convenience". These lies exist to make our lives easier. They streamline our thoughts and allow us to ignore debate and ignore things that may take a little time to work through. All posts in this series will be titled by the lie. I plan on trying to post every Wednesday morning. I would love feedback on the blog or on Facebook where I post them. I really, really want you to keep it civil and free from mean spirited name calling and profanity.

The first lie I am going to address is one of these "Lies of convenience". It has to do with labels. To sum the lie up in one sentence would be something like this: When you have this opinion/stance on an issue/background, you are a Republican/Democrat/Libertarian/etc. Because you are a Republican/Democrat/Libertarian/etc., it is safe to assume you also believe this ______.

This is a lie of convenience because once we label someone, we feel like we know what they are going to say before they say it. It helps us tune out their arguments and allows us to prepare our counters while they are talking. For example, if you were in a discussion with someone that stated "abortion is murder", what would you assume they think about the size and role of government? Most would assume this person is a Republican of some kind and would therefore think that small government, strict constitutionalism, states rights were coming in the discussion. This is an incredibly lazy and dangerous way to approach thoughtful debate. It is actually counter to the whole point of debate. Why even discuss things if you are not going to listen and reply? How can we move forward with new thought and new ideas if we automatically pigeon-hole someone because of one of their opinions?

Unfortunately, these labels don't just attach themselves to stated opinion. If you met someone wearing a UAW t-shirt, what party would you assume they belong to? Why is it shocking to people how conservative Herman Cain is? Why do people automatically assume a Tea Party member is white? If I oppose abortion, why do people automatically assume it is on religious grounds? The labels are EVERYWHERE. They are completely ingrained in our society because it is comfortable to us. If you share some opinion with me and it makes me uncomfortable, it is much easier to say, "Oh, he is just a ____________ and they always think that way." It allows me to ignore your argument and assume that because you are a whatever, I just won't agree with you. And it KILLS intelligent conversation/debate.

And the labels don't stop in discussing political or social topics--look at schools. Schools, especially public schools, are probably the most heinous perpetrators of labelling. If a kid acts up in class repeatedly, he is "assessed". Most of the time, the psychologist is going to attach some kind of label to the kid. It could be ADD, ADHD, ED, LD, or any number of other labels. That kid will have that label for the rest of his school years. Every teacher will get his IEP before they meet the kid. If a teacher sees "ED (emotional disturbance)" on the IEP, they will start having thoughts about that kid  before ever meeting him. The teacher will think he or she understands the kid before ever so much as shaking his hand. I think it is ok for a kid with a real problem to have this information precede them. It is fair to the teacher to see the history of that kid and it is only natural that the teacher will have preconceived notions about the kid. My point is that kid will have ALWAYS be fighting this label (if they chose to overcome their issue) or, even worse, the kid will succumb to the label. Sometimes the kid will say things like, "yeah I punched the kid but it wasn't my fault. I have emotional disturbance." Sounds far-fetched but I have seen it happen more than once. Now, extrapolate that argument into society. "Yeah I (insert crime here) but it wasn't my fault, I am a (insert socio-economic or racial or other label here).

My point is simple, we need to lower the influence of the labels. There is absolutely no government program that will help with this. There is no "group" or "club" to help with this. There is no non-profit. It is something that I ask each of you, individually, to work on. Fight the urge to jump to a label conclusion within the first 30 seconds of a discussion. Fight the instinct to hear the label and assume you know all there is to know about a person or group. LISTEN to what they say on each topic and debate intelligently. We do not have enough intelligent debate nowadays because of labels. This can only change with each individual.

What labels are you guilty of using? What labels have you succumb to (you may not even realize it)? Do you think this is even a problem?