The Lie: Fathers are not important if a strong mother is present...

Ok, this one could get a little dicey. Remember the rules--debate and discuss but do not belittle or swear or be mean to each other. Let's start by saying this, I am pointing the above statement out as a lie in the general sense. There are DEFINITELY exceptions to the rule. Those exceptions (the minority) are most likely what caused the lie to be propagated. That said, if you are an exception to the rule, then I applaud you. Even so, there is overwhelming evidence that it is a lie to think that an active father (papa, dad or daddy) is not important.  Oh yeah, I do tend to write in a sort of stream of consciousness style. It all makes sense to me though.

Let's start with how I know this is a pervasive thought. Turn on any modern sitcom that features a father figure. There is a really good chance that the father is the comic relief in the show. He is portrayed as insensitive, bumbling, weak and a buffoon. I can not think of one show in over 10 years where there was a strong, intelligent, active, true father figure. Now think of the modern women's movement. There are countless shirts, pinterest sayings, facebook posts, etc that espouse the virtues of kicking out the dad and going with mom only. Let me stop here and say that, unfortunately, the lion's share of the blame rides on the so called "fathers." I know that. I know that many, many, many males in our culture are deadbeats. They create a child and then squander their opportunity to be a father. I also know there are many that are or become abusive--whether it is chemically induced or some latent defect in that male's upbringing finally coming to the surface. My blog is not meant to chastise the moms for protecting themselves and their families. My intent is to try to discuss why it is important for a good father to be present instead of bowing to the cultural viewpoint that says, "well he was an idiot, oh well, dads aren't that important anyway."

I understand that this is a common direction to take if your dad/husband/father of your child ditches you. It is normal to say that it is their loss and they don't really matter. It is a defense mechanism to try to talk you out of any guilt, depression, fear, etc.

Now, I would of course adopt the view that you should never create the baby outside of a strong marriage covenant relationship. The most important things a child gains from its parents is the model of relationship. The child needs to see healthy spousal interaction, healthy conflict resolution (yes, healthy spouses still disagree), healthy relationships with friends and healthy leadership out of the father. I do realize that babies are created outside of these relationships. So, if you help create a baby, it is your responsibility to care for that child. It is your responsibility to provide direction, support and love for that child. The child needs you, no matter what the mom says, the child needs you. You have a different viewpoint from the mother. You provide balance in that child's life.

My parents are still married to each other. They got married at 19 years old and have been married for 32 years now. When they married each other, they made a covenant and have not broken it. I believe I am who I am now because of this. I learned from my father how to be a husband, how to be a father, how to be a man. WAY too many kids grow up without these lessons. Was he perfect--far from it. Am I perfect--far from it. Did he do things I swore I would never do--of course. Part of the lesson was to see how not to do things. Its a constant evolution. That said, he was present, supportive, and loved my mom. Those are the most important things. Those are what I am imploring my fellow males to become--men.

Here are just a very few statistics (collected on innocentdads.org) to drive my point home:

1) 43% of US children live without their father [US Department of Census] 2) 90% of homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
3) 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes. [Criminal Justice & Behaviour, Vol 14, pp. 403-26, 1978]
4) 71% of pregnant teenagers lack a father. [U.S. Department of Health and Human Services press release, Friday, March 26, 1999]
5) 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. [US D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]
6) 85% of children who exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes. [Center for Disease Control]
7) 90% of adolescent repeat arsonists live with only their mother. [Wray Herbert, “Dousing the Kindlers,” Psychology Today, January, 1985, p. 28]
8) 71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. [National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]
9) 75% of adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes. [Rainbows f for all God’s Children]
10) 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions have no father. [US Department of Justice, Special Report, Sept. 1988]
11) 85% of youths in prisons grew up in a fatherless home. [Fulton County Georgia jail populations, Texas Department of Corrections, 1992]
12) Fatherless boys and girls are: twice as likely to drop out of high school; twice as likely to end up in jail; four times more likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems. [US D.H.H.S. news release, March 26, 1999]

If these don't speak to you, I don't know what will. Dads, do whatever you can to be present in your child's life. Moms, allow the dad to be present. If this is just not possible, purposely find a positive male figure for your child--grandfather, uncle, youth minister, someone that can show the child that not every man is a buffoon. EVERYONE--think before you create that child. Don't do it if you aren't serious about being with each other for the rest of your lives. Marriage and parenting is HARD WORK. It is NOT something to be taken lightly. It is NOT something for the frivolous and flighty. Remember what is at stake--read these statistics again.

Great American Lies--Labels

So, I have decided to start a blog series. I realize that there are about 3270598709387509 different blogs out there and that mine will just be one of them. I also realize that most of the topics I am writing on in this series are not "new" or "groundbreaking". I am writing this blog for a few reasons:

1) I like to write. I am not the best writer, but I am not terrible either. Writing about debatable topics helps me to really home in on what I think. It also provides some level of therapy.
2) I love to debate. I think debate is one thing we don't have enough of. We have plenty of argument but not enough debate. I am writing on some topics that will inevitably inspire discussion and debate. I really look forward to that. I just ask that you keep it civil and intelligent.
3) I think more people should voice their opinions on these topics. I think that putting your opinions in words will make you think about the topic and will help you when friends or politicians start in on these topics.

The subject of this series is "Great American Lies." As you can probably glean from the title, I am going to address some things that I feel are lies in our country. Some are societal, "common sense" or "collective wisdom" that are just plain wrong. Some are lies that politicians want you to believe. Some are lies that we tell ourselves in order to block out some painful or uncomfortable situation. Still others are what I would call "lies of convenience". These lies exist to make our lives easier. They streamline our thoughts and allow us to ignore debate and ignore things that may take a little time to work through. All posts in this series will be titled by the lie. I plan on trying to post every Wednesday morning. I would love feedback on the blog or on Facebook where I post them. I really, really want you to keep it civil and free from mean spirited name calling and profanity.

The first lie I am going to address is one of these "Lies of convenience". It has to do with labels. To sum the lie up in one sentence would be something like this: When you have this opinion/stance on an issue/background, you are a Republican/Democrat/Libertarian/etc. Because you are a Republican/Democrat/Libertarian/etc., it is safe to assume you also believe this ______.

This is a lie of convenience because once we label someone, we feel like we know what they are going to say before they say it. It helps us tune out their arguments and allows us to prepare our counters while they are talking. For example, if you were in a discussion with someone that stated "abortion is murder", what would you assume they think about the size and role of government? Most would assume this person is a Republican of some kind and would therefore think that small government, strict constitutionalism, states rights were coming in the discussion. This is an incredibly lazy and dangerous way to approach thoughtful debate. It is actually counter to the whole point of debate. Why even discuss things if you are not going to listen and reply? How can we move forward with new thought and new ideas if we automatically pigeon-hole someone because of one of their opinions?

Unfortunately, these labels don't just attach themselves to stated opinion. If you met someone wearing a UAW t-shirt, what party would you assume they belong to? Why is it shocking to people how conservative Herman Cain is? Why do people automatically assume a Tea Party member is white? If I oppose abortion, why do people automatically assume it is on religious grounds? The labels are EVERYWHERE. They are completely ingrained in our society because it is comfortable to us. If you share some opinion with me and it makes me uncomfortable, it is much easier to say, "Oh, he is just a ____________ and they always think that way." It allows me to ignore your argument and assume that because you are a whatever, I just won't agree with you. And it KILLS intelligent conversation/debate.

And the labels don't stop in discussing political or social topics--look at schools. Schools, especially public schools, are probably the most heinous perpetrators of labelling. If a kid acts up in class repeatedly, he is "assessed". Most of the time, the psychologist is going to attach some kind of label to the kid. It could be ADD, ADHD, ED, LD, or any number of other labels. That kid will have that label for the rest of his school years. Every teacher will get his IEP before they meet the kid. If a teacher sees "ED (emotional disturbance)" on the IEP, they will start having thoughts about that kid  before ever meeting him. The teacher will think he or she understands the kid before ever so much as shaking his hand. I think it is ok for a kid with a real problem to have this information precede them. It is fair to the teacher to see the history of that kid and it is only natural that the teacher will have preconceived notions about the kid. My point is that kid will have ALWAYS be fighting this label (if they chose to overcome their issue) or, even worse, the kid will succumb to the label. Sometimes the kid will say things like, "yeah I punched the kid but it wasn't my fault. I have emotional disturbance." Sounds far-fetched but I have seen it happen more than once. Now, extrapolate that argument into society. "Yeah I (insert crime here) but it wasn't my fault, I am a (insert socio-economic or racial or other label here).

My point is simple, we need to lower the influence of the labels. There is absolutely no government program that will help with this. There is no "group" or "club" to help with this. There is no non-profit. It is something that I ask each of you, individually, to work on. Fight the urge to jump to a label conclusion within the first 30 seconds of a discussion. Fight the instinct to hear the label and assume you know all there is to know about a person or group. LISTEN to what they say on each topic and debate intelligently. We do not have enough intelligent debate nowadays because of labels. This can only change with each individual.

What labels are you guilty of using? What labels have you succumb to (you may not even realize it)? Do you think this is even a problem?

Two Observations

So, this is a blog I wrote several weeks ago and never published for some reason. I will go ahead and publish because I think these are some thoughts we should consider. Please, read and respond.

Ok, I have two observations to share. One is deeply spiritual, the other is work related.

1) Work related--I was thinking about some of the Realtors that I have met through my experiences so far. Many of them are hard working people. Some are not all that hard working but are good folks that just don't have a ton of motivation. Some, are in a different boat altogether. Those are the ones I am focusing on in this posting.

Today Marty Reuter spoke to our sales meeting. He is the top dog in charge of franchises for the entire Weichert Company. One thing he said was that it is extremely important to put the client ahead of the commission. When he said this, it really hit home because I know that I do this. Often I have encouraged buyers to look at a lower priced home because it is a better home and a better fit for their budget. I have heard stories, however of my colleagues pressing the higher priced home no matter what. Then I thought about the ones that complain constantly about the state of the housing market. It occured to me that these are probably the same people. You see, it takes roughly the same amount of work to sell a $100,000 house as it does to sell a $300,000 house. There is, of course, some variation to this rule but, basically, if you have a home priced right and you do a great job of presenting the home, you can sell either home with virtually the same budget and virtually the same amount of effort. I work hard on my lower priced listings and I work hard on my higher end homes. Obviously, the payoff is higher on the higher end homes. I think the Realtors that constantly complain forget that they are also allowed to sell lower priced homes. I think they may have forgotten this because they feel that if they expend the energy, they should get a higher payoff. Just a thought. In other words, I am willing to go for the quantity, even if it means I work twice as hard to earn the same amount of commission (two houses to one).

2) My second observation occurred on Friday at the In Tents Worship weekend with the teens and college kids from Church. I watched Doug and Hunter playing in the river. They were trying to get to this rock that was upstream. In order to get to this rock, they had to fight against a pretty hard current. I thought about how the Bible frequently speaks of God and God's love as water (pouring out on us, etc.). Then I thought about how the river was like God's love. It just keeps flowing and is pleasant but extremely powerful. Then I thought about how we set arbitrary goals that pit us against God's love and plans (like reaching the rock in the river). We fight and fight and fight to get to our destination. All the while the love is around us, flowing over us and trying to sweep us away and we just keep fighting and expending energy. When we finally get to our goal, we feel pleased but tired and realize that we fought for no real reason. All the while, if we had just "gone with the flow", life would have been much more pleasing. Not only would it have been pleasing but we would have been blessed because the flow would have had us see things we would have missed like the random rope swing. I challenge us to go with the flow and be careful about setting arbitrary goals, especially if they pit us against what we know God would have us to do.

Weichert Realtors, The Andrews Group is the Brokerage to Beat!

So, I know I have told you that I work for the best real estate brokerage in the area. They just keep proving it! First, if you are an agent at The Andrews Group already and have been using Vision, I know I am behind. I just got started on it today (my brokerage is fantastic because they provide this tool to all of their agents). Vision is a fantastic website tool that allows me to bring valuable information to my clients and friends. There is a section on the site called "market insider" that has all kinds of info about whatever community you might be interested in. It includes schools info, shopping info, homes sold info, inventory, median pricing, all kinds of stuff. I posted a link on Facebook a little bit ago that showed how Smyrna schools stack up. It was cool because it wasn't all of Rutherford County, it was specifically Smyrna. If you want to check out this fantastic resource, click here http://jharmon.viewnashvillehomesforsale.com/mimarket/zip/37167/. We are also rolling out a REALLY cool system called kwkly (pronounced quickly). It will allow you to get information about any home for sale by simply texting a code. If you want information about this (and to get signed up to use it), let me know. It is absolutely perfect for someone who is "just looking" but wants to get more info on a home as you drive by (without going through the hassle of talking with an agent).

Pet Peeves

So I have some pet peeves. I know most everyone does. Here is a list of my top pet peeves. If you do these things, know that it gets on my nerves. I will probably not EVER tell you that you are getting on my nerves (because I know that I just need to get over it). Feel free to share your biggest pet peeves

1) Redundancy--It drives me nuts when people say something like "VIN number" or "PIN number" or "ACT Test" or "3 AM in the morning". VIN stands for vehicle identification number so VIN number is "vehicle identification number number". And "3 AM in the morning", oh really, as opposed to 3 AM in the afternoon?

2) Left lane loafers--seriously, if you are doing the speed limit or less, get out of the left lane. It is called the passing lane, not the lane to be passed in. I know a lot of people don't like this but it REALLY gets on my nerves. A close derivative of this is the two people riding next to each other on a two lane road where you can't pass on either side. See, I am not a speed demon (anymore) but at the same time, if I need to go, I want to GO.

3) Ignorance coupled with arrogance--I know a lot of stuff. I also DON'T know a lot of stuff. I will be the first one to tell you that I don't know some particular piece of information. Then I go look it up. One thing I am good at is finding information. There is nothing more annoying than someone who is misinformed (or sometimes just plain making some info up) and is arrogant when you correct him or her. Another version of this is someone who WILL NOT listen to reason, no matter what.

4) Media devotees--I strongly value the ability to think on your own. I do place some value on the media (in general) for disseminating current events. I don't put a lot of value in much of the opinion that is in the media. I definitely don't care what some goofball celebrity thinks about his or her pet cause. I also don't care to listen to the "national media" spout numbers about the "national housing market" and the "national economy". We live in states, counties and municipalities. There is no such thing as a national housing market. Every submarket and every submarket of the submarkets is different. Many people see these national numbers as gospel and it is so hard to get through to them that we, in the Nashville area (for the most part), have NOT been hit nearly as hard. There just plain isn't an over abundance of decent condition homes for 50cents on the dollar here! Some people just won't hear it.

5) Time wasters--I work in a service industry--period. I talk to people about their (typically) most valuable asset. I spend time with people. I get to know them. I put them in my life and put their lives into mine. All this is what makes my job awesome. That said, there are some people out there--and you know who you are--who have 0 intention of ever doing anything real estate related, whether it is referring me, listing with me, buying through me, anything but still find it ok to waste my work time. I had a guy one time that called me about every other day to make offers on my listings. His formula was to offer $20,000 per bedroom. This means that the 3 bedroom, all brick, on almost an acre, over 1400 s.f. home was only worth $60,000 to him. I am fairly polite and I humored him for a moment because I didn't want to be rude. Eventually I told him that it wasn't going to happen and had to hang up on him. He called me a few days later from a different number. This person was a time waster. I also encounter (only occasionally) this scenario--phone call,
"Hello this is Jonathan"
"Hi, we would like to see 0000 Elm Street"
"Ok, are you currently working with a real estate agent"
"Yes but they said they didn't have time to show it to us"
"Oookaaayy, well I guess I can show it to you (because I still want to sell it). I just need to let your agent know so they don't get angry"
"Well, they won't care because we can't buy for a while"
"Why is that"
"We just filed bankruptcy and the lender said there is nothing they can do"
"So why are you looking now"
"Well we just want to see the inside of the house"
This is either a time waster or they are thieves. Either way, it floors me that someone would actually think this was ok.

Would love to hear your opinions on my pet peeves. Would also love to read about your pet peeves.

June Blog

So, it is now June. WOW! We had a great vacation at the end of May to the House of Mouse. Jonas almost drowned, we all spent too much money and ate too much but a ton of memories were made and it was well worth it. For more info, read Cindy's blog.

I am organizing a community yard sale this weekend. I sent out a postcard to over 300 of my closest neighbors inviting them to host a yard sale and I would do the marketing. Not a single one responded. Oh well. I am doing it anyway and they can benefit from it. It should be a pretty good sale so come by if you can Friday and Saturday from 8 AM till about 4 PM.

I have decided to sell my motorcycle. I want the money (and remodelling on the house) more than I want my bike. I will probably buy a cheaper Japanese type bike. Its going to be fine. I keep telling myself that.

I have assumed the position of the college ministry leader at church. Its pretty cool so far. I am assembling a great team to help with that ministry. It is a fantastic group of college "kids." I love being around them. JP (the youth minister) is helping with a "transition" class right now where we are introducing the newly graduated high schoolers to the college class. We have been covering Romans 12 one verse at a time (started with verse 9). We relate it to college life. So far the conversations have been awesome. If you have not read these verses in a while (or ever) you should, right now. Stop reading my blog and go read Romans 12:9-21. Extremely powerful, relevant verses about how to live.

As for real estate, it is going very well. I have closed 6 deals so far and have 3 pending right now. We got my oldest listing under contract this weekend. I have also picked up several new listings in the past few weeks. I need to get some of them sold. Check out my website for a list of my listings. I would love to work with someone I know on these. All of my listings are pretty nice. None of them really need much TLC. I just listed a home over in The Foothills subdivision in Murfreesboro. It is awesome! One owner (built in 1989) and in pristine condition.

One more thing, in about 2 weeks my fireworks tent will open. I am excited about it. I hope to do better than last year. I know the calendar is in our favor. Tracey Rinehart will be my partner on this again. We work well together. I know last year I got busy with real estate at the same time. I am sure this will happen again. The good news is, however, I have more help this year on both real estate and on fireworks. Cindy is getting her license for real estate and my new friend "big sister" Ann Rupp is here from New Jersey. It's good to have people to lean on!

Upcoming Events

This summer is already starting to get busy!! We are going on vacation this Friday through Wednesday. This will be little man's first trip to Disney World. We have not told him where we are going. We just keep telling him we are going to Lowes. He hates Lowes. It's going to be awesome because we are going with my mom and dad, my little brother and his wife and Jonas' little cousin. They just love each other and will have a BLAST in the house of mouse.

I am also working on organizing a community yard sale in my new neighborhood. Cards were mailed out yesterday or today to about 300 homes here around me. If 1/4 of them participate, it will be huge! If I get a great level of participation, it will probably be a yearly event. I am pretty excited about the possibilities here! If anyone wants to sell some stuff, I will be happy to let you use my yard. The sale will be June 10 and 11.

We have some kind of critter in our attic. Jim the pest guy is coming to check it out today. I think it is probably just a mouse but it moves very slowly. Kinda weird.

Finally, I have completely torn down the fence around my back yard, pulled up the posts and am going to spread some dirt around to level it out. I have a tree guy coming on Saturday and should get a new fence mid next week. That is really exciting as it will make the wife feel a little more secure. Also, it's weird but the yard feels smaller with the fence gone.